My story – Amanda Douglas

My story is about my decade long relationship with my ex narcissistic boyfriend. I met him in 2011 in drug and alcohol rehab of all places, I should have known. I was 34 years old and had no idea who I was and of course had no self esteem and had addiction problems and everything else. My whole life was living in the shadows of what people thought about me and that’s how I knew who I was. This is a dangerous way to live because you fall victim to the people who don’t think very much about you and if that’s what they thought then I figured they were right. All I ever wanted was to be happy and in love with someone who was just as in love with me. This was a needy behavior on my part because I needed validation and love from someone I just didn’t realize that I needed it from myself. I was the perfect Target and I chased my predictor only to use and abuse me and take me to hell and back again. In the beginning though, man was it amazing. Best high I ever had because it felt like I was on drugs and of course we were most of the time. Not only were we addicts but we were both lost and I think that is why I thought we were perfect for each other because we understood that feeling. He was my soulmate and the only person I have ever been in love with. Everything was revolved around him and I put him on a pedestal who used to say and he loved it which is what I confused as love towards me. I didn’t know what was going to happen soon enough and I wonder if someone had told me ahead of time if I would have walked away, I am scared of that truth of knowing that I probably wouldn’t have. I didn’t know what happened but the honeymoon was over so quickly and I was living in my cognitive dissonance reality of thinking things were normal but man they were far from normal. My normal though was chaos and dysfunction so it was comfortable and I allowed it because I didn’t know anything else. It started with little things like accusations of infidelity and lies and then it was the picking apart every word I spoke and every move I made. He had me convinced I was the problem because in my mind that wasn’t so far off of the truth. I wasn’t a normal person who had self esteem and worth and relationship skills and anything else that normal functional happy people have. I accepted his truth and his version of who I was. He once convinced me I had Borderline personality disorder and I had to go get help which I did. I was always being tested for obiedance and loyalty. He would set up these impossible tasks or games for me to inevitably fail and the cost of failure was his disappearing acts and the ghosting and blocking me which he knew caused me great anxiety and stress but that’s why he did it but I didn’t know that at the time. I thought that everything was my fault and I just didn’t deserve to be loved by someone. He kept telling me that anyway among other disgusting and demeaning and cruel things. Everything I ever told him that was traumatic and upsetting or personal to me he used as weapons to control me. There was always the threats of him leaving me and I should be lucky to have him stay because nobody else would do that for me and I was destined to end up alone forever and once he told me that nobody loves me because my own parents didn’t love me which is why my dad physically left me as a child and my mom emotionally abandoned me after the divorce. Abandonment was my weakness and I was terrified to lose him and so I tried to play the games and shove everything down deep inside and pretend that he loved me. I did everything for him and all I received was abuse and torture and pain and not even a thank you. I got blamed for everything and I was punished for it constantly. I could tell you stories that would give you nightmares because my narcissist was a little sociopathic I believe. It finally got so bad that he ended up leaving me after all and moved out of state. We have a son together but he abandoned him too. I wouldn’t say that was the end though because we went back and forth for years with the same drama and abuse and it always got worse. I didn’t even realize I was abused by a narcissist until I got into therapy after he moved out. I struggled with the aftermath for years and still keeping in contact with him so he could hurt me some more. Finally I started to get help and support and courage and self esteem and worth and value and I am on my own journey now going up everyday. I found out who I am without anyone else’s opinion and so for that gift I thank him for it because I don’t know if I would have changed my life unless I went through this horrible traumatic experience but I will continue to grow and learn as he wethers away to nothing.